i’m sad today. it’s been 2 and a half years, our third christmas without him, and the pain is new. why is it that pain can remain as fresh, as raw, as shiny new as day one?? not all of the time, not every day, but on some days… on special days… it’s like bringing out the good china, the best silver, the most heart-wrenching ache, the strongest missing.
it’s natural, at the holidays – the inevitable yin of pain to the yang of the joy of sharing and celebrating with loved ones. we bring him with us wherever we go, in personal memories and shared anecdotes; he is conspicuous in his absence, the void left larger than his physical self. i know what jokes he would laugh at, and i hear his heartfelt laughter whispered in my ear, letting me know he got the joke. i know when he would roll his eyes, and i search for him when there are seconds to be had, half expecting to find him in the yard, scratching the dog’s belly.
and then there’s her, shoulders heavy with the weight of his absent arm. she looks for him every day, everywhere, her life on pause, shredded like a paper snowflake since he left. i want to be a better daughter, but it’s hard to help her without getting sucked into the void… it’s a strong void, as strong as their love was. i wish she could sit in the light, in the warmth of him, at least on most days, without being consumed by the sadness, by the wanting, the solitude. i wish she could replace her mourning with morning – with new beginnings, with dawn and light and hope -- knowing that it doesn’t mean she loves him any less or that she could have done anything more. i wish she wasn’t consumed with the guilt of surviving and allowed herself to live as he would have wanted her to.
i always have the love, and the longing, the moments when you forget that he’s not here and you pick up the phone because no one would appreciate this specific nugget of news like he would. on most days i share it with him anyway, keeping him close. but today i can’t help it, today i give in to the missing…
it’s natural, at the holidays – the inevitable yin of pain to the yang of the joy of sharing and celebrating with loved ones. we bring him with us wherever we go, in personal memories and shared anecdotes; he is conspicuous in his absence, the void left larger than his physical self. i know what jokes he would laugh at, and i hear his heartfelt laughter whispered in my ear, letting me know he got the joke. i know when he would roll his eyes, and i search for him when there are seconds to be had, half expecting to find him in the yard, scratching the dog’s belly.
and then there’s her, shoulders heavy with the weight of his absent arm. she looks for him every day, everywhere, her life on pause, shredded like a paper snowflake since he left. i want to be a better daughter, but it’s hard to help her without getting sucked into the void… it’s a strong void, as strong as their love was. i wish she could sit in the light, in the warmth of him, at least on most days, without being consumed by the sadness, by the wanting, the solitude. i wish she could replace her mourning with morning – with new beginnings, with dawn and light and hope -- knowing that it doesn’t mean she loves him any less or that she could have done anything more. i wish she wasn’t consumed with the guilt of surviving and allowed herself to live as he would have wanted her to.
i always have the love, and the longing, the moments when you forget that he’s not here and you pick up the phone because no one would appreciate this specific nugget of news like he would. on most days i share it with him anyway, keeping him close. but today i can’t help it, today i give in to the missing…
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